Sex. Love. Marriage Read online

  Table of Contents

  Sex. Love. Marriage.

  Copyrights

  Contact Shey

  Books by Shey Stahl

  Quote

  Dedication

  In Memory

  1. Closets and Cheerios – Noah

  2. Back to the beginning – Noah

  3. The Stay-at-Home Mom – Kelly

  4. The HOA – Noah

  5. Girl Talk - Kelly

  6. Porn Star Wife – Noah

  7. Drunk Husbands & Back Doors– Kelly

  8. Stitches for Bitches – Noah

  9. Wicked Walls – Kelly

  10. Pushing Forward – Noah

  11. Needing a Friend – Kelly

  12. Your Friendly Neighbor – Noah

  13. Let’s Make a Sex Tape – Kelly

  14. I Should Have stretched – Noah

  15. Troubled Walls – Kelly

  16. Mama Bear – Kelly

  17. The Baby’s First Word Is… - Kelly

  18. Haunted Houses and Neighbors – Noah

  19. Brotherly Love – Noah

  20. The End – Kelly

  21. My Mother – Kelly

  22. When The Walls Come Down – Noah

  23. Road Rules – Noah

  24. He Never Knew What Hit Him. Literally. – Kelly

  25. It’s About a Girl – Noah

  26. The Aftermath – Kelly

  27. A Storm’s Brewing – Kelly

  28. Forever – Kelly

  29. Regret and Rum Balls – Noah

  30. Better Man – Noah

  31. Where We Go From Here - Noah

  32. Road Rules, Take Two. – Kelly

  33. The Help – Noah

  34. Fishing Boats, Boys Trips, and Hooks - Noah

  35. Nail Guns and ERs – Kelly

  Acknowledgments

  Hayley Jean Burke

  Raise for Rowyn Foundation

  Meet the Author

  To be notified of new releases join my mailing list on my website at: www.sheystahl.com

  Copyright © 2019 by Shey Stahl

  Sex. Love. Marriage

  Printed in the United States of America

  All rights reserved. Published in the United States of America. Except as permitted under the U.S. Copyright Act of 1976. No part of this publication may be reproduced, stored in or introduced into a retrieval system, or transmitted, in any form, or by any means (electronic, mechanical, photocopying, recording, or otherwise), without the prior written permission of Shey Stahl.

  This book is a work of fiction. Names, characters, places, and incidents are the product of the author’s imagination and are used fictitiously. Any resemblance to actual events, locales, or persons, dead or living, is coincidental.

  The author acknowledges the trademarked status and trademark owners of various products, bands, sponsors, and/or restaurants referenced in this work of fiction, which have been used without permission. The publication/use of these trademarks is not authorized, associated with, or sponsored by the trademark owners.

  Copy Editing: Becky Johnson, Hot Tree Editing

  Cover Image: Shutterstock

  Cover Designer: Sommer Stein, Perfect Pear Creations

  Formatting and Graphics by A Designs

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  RACING ON THE EDGE

  HAPPY HOUR

  BLACK FLAG

  TRADING PAINT

  THE CHAMPION

  THE LEGEND

  HOT LAPS

  THE ROOKIE

  FAST TIME

  OPEN WHEEL

  PACE LAPS

  DIRT DRIVEN (TBA)

  OPEN WHEEL (TBA)

  THE REDEMPTION SERIES

  THE TRAINER

  THE FIGHTER

  REDEMPTION (BOX SET WITH BONUS MATERIAL)

  THE TORQUED TRILOGY

  UNSTEADY

  UNBEARABLE

  UNBOUND

  CROSSING THE LINE

  DELAYED PENALTY

  DELAYED OFFSIDES

  STAND ALONES

  WAITING FOR YOU

  EVERYTHING CHANGES

  FOR THE SUMMER

  ALL I HAVE LEFT

  AWAKENED

  EVERLASTING LIGHT

  BAD BLOOD

  HEAVY SOUL

  BAD HUSBAND

  BURN

  HOW TO DEAL

  SHADE

  TILLER

  LOVE COMPLICATED

  UNTAMED

  PROMISE NOT TO FALL

  BLINDSIDED

  REVEL

  SEX. LOVE. MARRIAGE.

  “Ninety percent of being married is just shouting ‘what’ from other rooms.”

  ~ Author Unknown

  FOR THE BOY.

  Sometimes making it through the worst of times brings out the best in both of us.

  IN MEMORY OF HAYLEY JEAN BURKE

  (Don’t judge me. This could be you in ten years)

  DO YOU SEE that half-naked guy sitting on the floor of his pantry eating Cheerios from the box? I know, hot right? Thank you. Thirty has treated me pretty well.

  The bigger question to most of you might be why I’m on the floor in the pantry, half-naked, and eating Cheerios from the box, huh?

  I’ll explain and maybe it’ll make more sense. Let’s go back about five minutes.

  Okay, now, do you notice those two people on the floor? Yeah, they’re having sex. Trying to is more like it. Sex on a tile floor with limited space isn’t exactly easy. The movies lie.

  “Jesus, Noah. That hurts.”

  With a grunt, I look behind me at our tangled legs. “Then move your leg.”

  “I can’t.” Kelly attempts to free her foot only to have it get stuck further. “It’s stuck in a basket.”

  I kick the basket aside only to find there are five more beside it. It’s like one of those roadside farmer’s markets in here. “Why are there so many baskets in here?”

  “Because it’s more organized that way. Our house is a constant mess. It’d be nice to keep one area clean.”

  Now, this could be a snide remark against me. Probably is because I know I contribute to the mess sometimes, but I don’t want to think about that. Groaning, I attempt to change my position but have you ever had sex in a pantry closet with a box of Cheerios in front of you? I thought yellow was supposed to be calming? Or distracting? Whatever.

  “Ow, you’re pulling my hair!”

  I slap my hand over my wife’s mouth. “Stop talking. I can’t concentrate.” I know, I know. I shouldn’t have been so rough, but hey, at least with my hand over her mouth I’m not pulling her hair anymore.

  She’s not pleased with me though and I’m given a scowl I can feel underneath my palm. I’m very familiar with this look. It’s similar to the one I got last night when I was brushing my teeth and she stuck her head in the sink for God knows what reason, and I spat toothpaste in her hair.

  You might be wondering at this point why we’re on the floor in the pantry. Or, if you’re really focused on the details and noticed the box of Cheerios on the floor, you’re curious why that is. Well, we have kids who don’t put shit back where it belongs.

  Why we’re on the floor in the pantry… far more interesting concept there, and circles back around to those messy little hoodlums we made who don’t put anything back. You see, when you’ve been married for ten years, looking at the possibility of divorce, you find it hard to find the spark again. That means taking the opportuniti
es you’re given. If that means fucking on the floor in the pantry because seeing your wife wearing ridiculously expensive Lululemon tights I told her not to buy (a story for another day) while doing dishes got you hard, and you’re actually able to talk her into doing it in the pantry, then you take the crumbs you’re given, literally.

  There, you’re all caught up. I know you’re probably wondering about the divorce part, but that’s a story for another day, for now, back to the sex.

  It’s looking like we might actually finish before the kids get up and I have to leave for work. Adjusting my knees, I try to adjust our position only to have my wife yelp and squirm away from me. “Holy shit, it’s huge!”

  I glance down at her, smirking. “That’s what she said.”

  “Not you, dumbass.” She slaps me in the face. Right across my cheek. “There’s a spider on your shoulder!” It doesn’t slip past me that she could have easily squished the spider instead of hitting me in the face, but whatever. The longer you’re married, the more you’ll understand why she chose to slap me.

  “Where?” I scream like a little girl. Even I’m alarmed at the pitch of my voice and wonder if my balls have disappeared. I check. Nope. Still there and looking pretty goddamn blue.

  Fun fact. I do not like spiders. Don’t get me wrong, I’m all man, but the sight of those creepy crawling black fuckers just freaks me the fuck out. I turn into something similar to someone who just got shot with a taser, all jerky and shit. It ain’t pretty.

  In a matter of seconds, I’m on my feet, and accidentally kick my wife in the vag while trying to stomp a spider. After I box punch her, Kelly gasps and gives me the look. If you’re in a relationship, you know this look. It’s the one that slightly resembles her wanting to beat the shit out of me with a pillowcase full of rocks.

  Just so we’re clear, I get this look daily, and while I end up killing the cock-blocking spider, this spectacular moment has also killed the mood. And so, all that insane shit I just shared with you, that explains why I’m sitting on the floor of the pantry eating Cheerios. By myself.

  Now, you might be wondering how a good-looking man like me ended up with five kids and a wife. Or maybe you feel sorry for me because I haven’t had sex—other than a few minutes ago—in a month. Thirty. Two. Miserable. Days.

  I’ve been counting.

  “This fucking sucks,” I mutter, pushing the cereal away from myself.

  The door to the pantry opens and Finley, our one-year-old, takes a drink of her milk and then spits it in my face. It’s her new thing. She thinks it’s hilarious. We’re working on it, but let’s face it, babies are assholes.

  I fight the urge to grab her bottle and spit milk right back at her, and if you have kids, you know exactly what I’m talking about here. They can’t all be sweet all the time, and if anyone tells you their kid is perfect, they’re lying to you.

  Wiping milk from my face with my hand, I glare at the baby. “You need to stop doing that.”

  Like she’s going to listen to me. Pretty sure this kid came out thinking I was a nobody. With the nipple of her bottle now dangling from her lips, she smiles, as if she didn’t hear me. That’s another thing about babies. They have selective hearing. Don’t believe me? Say cookie and watch their face. Now, say no and look at the blank expression they give you.

  Exactly my point, friends.

  With the front of me soaked in milk, I drag myself from the floor and into the kitchen. And then I stare with wide eyes at the scene before me. Have you ever been in a kitchen right before kids leave for school? It’s like a prison yard and everyone is fighting over the last box of smokes. Only in this case, it happens to be the last of the Pop-Tarts. Don’t judge us. Yes, we let our kids eat Pop-Tarts on occasion.

  Hazel, our five-year-old princess with horns—you’ll understand soon enough—she’s staring at me, disgusted as she eats peanut butter from the jar with her fingers. The neighbor’s cat is also on the counter licking the jar. “She spit on you again, didn’t she?”

  Don’t let the brown curls down to her waist and bright blue eyes fool you. Hazel is to be feared. It’s always the cute ones that will kill you in your sleep. Last week, she put a pillow over my face at 4:00 a.m. and asked if I could breathe. And then later that day, she made me a piece of toast with jelly. Naturally, I made Kelly eat it because I thought for sure she was going to poison me. I’m kidding, I ate it. But it’s bizarre shit Hazel does that scares the shit out of me most days.

  Reaching for a hand towel, I wipe the remainder of the milk from my face and move past the kids at the island. “Pretty much. Hazel, get that cat outside. He doesn’t belong on the counter.”

  This does nothing to deter her. “He likes me better than his owner.”

  “Doesn’t matter. He’s not ours,” I point out, glaring at the cat. “You can’t just steal him.”

  She pets the orange tabby cat lovingly, with peanut butter hands. “I can if he likes me.”

  There’s no sense in arguing with her. She gets the last word every time. Disgusted, I stare at my daughter who is now staring at her hands with orange cat hair stuck to the peanut butter. I swear to God, if she licks her fingers, I’ll throw up.

  I wait, giving her that fatherly look that screams “don’t you dare.” Her eyes lift to mine, testing out the waters. I narrow mine.

  Shrugging, she wipes them on her pants.

  “Uh,” Oliver, my oldest son, stares at me. “Where’s your shirt?”

  Oliver, he’s our secret keeper. You never know what this kid is thinking. And honestly, we probably don’t want to know. He’s a ten-year-old boy. More than likely it involves Fortnite and the Battle Royale. Or how funny farting on his sister’s head is to him.

  I don’t give Oliver an answer as to where my shirt is, because it’s still in the pantry where I took it off earlier, and if I tell him that, it will only lead to more questions. He might be a secret keeper, but the kid asks too many questions as it is, and if you wait about two minutes, he’ll forget he asked one and move on.

  Kelly walks back into the kitchen with Finley, the spitting baby on her hip, and rolls her eyes when she notices the milk on my chest. “Why do you let her do that to you? And put a shirt on.”

  Look at the baby. Doesn’t she look all sweet and innocent on her mama’s hip drinking a bottle? Fuck that. Ever since that kid slid out of the vagina I rarely see anymore, she’s had it out for me, and it’s been my fear that this might have had something to do with Kelly and I having sex while she was pregnant with her. Did she know it was me who was ramming her in the head? Is that why she spits at me?

  “Let her?” I stare at my wife like she put my dick in a blender. I love Kelly. I just don’t like her sometimes. Usually when she’s accusing me of being a pussy, like now. “It’s not like I say, hey, Fin, fucking spit on me.”

  “Daddy!” Hazel scolds, slapping her hand on my bare back with her peanut butter hands. “Bad word!”

  My shoulders tense thinking about the peanut butter and cat hair on my back.

  Kelly sighs, her mood written all over her face. I don’t know why she’s pissed off. It’s not like she has a constant hard-on she has to hide. Or peanut butter hair on her back. “Can you go change or whatever it is you’re going to do and take Oliver to school?”

  Whatever it is I’m going to do? Ha. Fucking. Ha.

  God, I’m kind of a dick today.

  I want to say something sarcastic, but I don’t. I give up. I let it go. It’s what someone who fears confrontation does. More on that later, but I hate fighting. Goes back to my childhood you probably don’t want to know about.

  Nodding, I step past my wife, who obviously hates my guts today.

  Tripping over Sevi, our youngest boy on the floor, I make sure he’s okay. “Why are you on the floor eating?”

  With his hand in a box of cereal, he stares up at me like I’m speaking some other kind of language to him. I probably am. Instead of answering me, he barks and shoves a handfu
l in his mouth. Our three-year-old son thinks he’s a dog. I don’t mean, oh, cute, he’s going through a phase. I mean, fuck this shit, he thinks he’s a goddamn dog.

  Sighing, I pet his mop of curly blond hair. I head upstairs, careful not to step on the nail gun I left out the other day. You’re probably thinking, who leaves out a nail gun with kids around? I do. Don’t worry, I took the battery out and hid it, just didn’t take the time to clean up the rest. Could be some passive-aggressive behavior on my part, which might be another reason Kelly is pissed at me. She tripped over it earlier.

  It only gets worse from here. It’s in that stairway I’ve been replacing the risers on all weekend, where I catch a glimpse of a family portrait laying against the wall. Why’s it not hung on the wall? We’re remodeling this house we can barely afford and hanging pictures on the wall is probably the last “to do” on Kelly’s list, and I’m not allowed to hang pictures on the wall. She claims I hang them crooked. Whatever. I hang shit just fine. But it’s not the fact that it’s on the floor. It’s a little blonde girl in the photo that catches my eye.

  Swallowing over the ever-present lump in my throat when I think of her, I keep walking into the bedroom, grab a shirt, and then I’m back downstairs. You might be curious what that was all about. Well, sorry, you’re going to keep wondering for the time being until I’m ready to talk about that part of my life. I’m late for work.

  (Just a few details worth mentioning.)

  RUSHING DOWNSTAIRS, I don’t say anything to Kelly as I leave. Maybe because I can’t get a grip on my emotions, or maybe I don’t want the reminder when I look at her that Mara had her eyes and laugh. So I leave the house without saying anything. It’s easier that way.

  Outside, our neighbor is standing in his driveway talking on his phone while he tosses pebbles at our other neighbor’s dog who’s taking a shit in his lawn.

  Bonner points to the dog on his lawn. “I’m gonna skin that motherfucker and make a rug out of him.”