Unbound (the TORQUED trilogy Book 3) Page 16

  “Okay,” I finally say, lying back against my pillow, my left arm tucked behind my head. “I think we have five shows. I gotta talk to Beck though.”

  “All right,” he says. “I’ll be in touch in a few days, does that work?”

  “Yeah, thank you.”

  I wasn’t expecting any help when I called Dylan because honestly, what have I done for him besides act like a dumb kid with a chip on his shoulder in his bar?

  I can’t sleep at all. I toss and turn the entire night.

  I can’t fucking believe him.

  It seems like I’ve been here before, every thought, every feeling coursing through me familiar, and I’m slipping into the way it used to be. I swallowed that poison for too long and let it destroy me.

  Our hearts are ruthless. They dictate a situation only to change its mind once the dust has settled, and I’m sure that’s what he’s doing to me now. The dust is settling and he wants out again.

  It’s three in the morning when he knocks on my door, a light white-knuckled knock I know took him hours to do. I have Lyric on my bed and the last thing I want is for him to wake up and see this side of his father. In reality, this is exactly why I kept Lyric from him.

  My breath comes shaky as my lips part. “Why are you here?” It’s impossible to look at him and not remember everything we’ve been through. The good, the bad, the horrible, and the love. He pushes himself against the doorframe as I take a step back, pulling away as he tries to reel me in.

  He looks at me in a way I used to adore, one where I knew by the look in his eyes I meant the world to him. “Can you just please talk to me?”

  “Are you going do to this in front of your son?” I crack the door open so he can see Lyric asleep on my bed. I have him in here because I know Rawley, and I knew he’d come into my room at some point to try to defend his actions. It’s what he does. He wants people to trust him but never judge or question him. “Do you want him to see that side of you?”

  I need him to feel this. I can’t burn alone. Not any longer.

  He’s silent, the kind of silence that’s suffocating because I don’t know what he’s going to do or say next. My heart is slowly splintering, cracking under the pressure of his presence, and he’s the one chipping away at the pieces. Sooner or later, it’s going to crack in half.

  I watch as he attempts to mask his heart, his scowl dark as he remembers the night he left. I definitely hit a nerve. “Sophie….” His voice drops to a whisper and he has to force the words out. “I know what you’re referring to and that night in your apartment, you wanted it too… and you know it.” I shift under his cold gaze because like it or not, his expressions, his words will always spark a reaction from me.

  He looks at me in ways I used to love. My response is to retreat, move away from him.

  Unsure what to say, my throat tightens when I find my voice. “You tell yourself that but do you believe it? I’m not sure you do because your conscience tells you differently, doesn’t it?”

  This grabs his attention and he appears almost shocked, blinking steadily. He’s nothing but harsh breaths and silence. His eyes dart to the bed, to our son, then to me, tears forming as he exhales loudly. His agonized stare fills with sadness, a dull shade of guilt, one pulling for courage and forgiveness but knowing I’m not giving it.

  I watch as his frown deepens, the lines of his forehead becoming more pronounced. Bringing his hand to his head, he forms a fist at his temple as he lets out a strangled, shaking breath. “God, Sophie.” His words crack and bleed with the breaking of his resolve, his chin quivering. “I wanted you to hate me that night because it was the only way. I needed you to feel what it was doing to me. I needed… I don’t know what I needed anymore. I hate myself as much as I needed you to hate me,” he says.

  He waits for me to say something, but I can’t. There’s so much I want to say, but his expression, the tears, all of it takes a hold of me and I’m frozen in a moment I can’t shake myself from.

  His gaze falters to the bed again and then to the floor, and he steps back, his head down.

  When I don’t stop him, he nods and walks back to his room without another word.

  Tears burn my eyes. I shut the door, my back pressing to the wood grain. My eyelids sink shut, my heart thumping wildly in my chest.

  My heart hurts knowing how much he hates himself over that night and though I shouldn’t feel responsible for his actions then, or now, I do. Maybe I always will. He’s been a part of me for so long, anything he does reflects on me as well.

  I DON’T SLEEP. I close my eyes but I know sleep isn’t there. Lyric’s up around seven the next morning, grabbing at my face and cooing. And drooling.

  “Should we get you changed and fed, buddy?”

  “Dadadadada,” he babbles, smiling. I’m sure he doesn’t know what he’s saying, but it hurts that he’s saying it knowing his daddy might not want him.

  Deep down, especially after last night, I’m not sure I believe those papers. I’ve had time to sleep on it and I just don’t think he’s capable of it. Why would he be so tormented if he’d organized them?

  It’s Wednesday morning and Mia and Red decided to close down the shop until Monday next week. There’s just too much going on with the wedding, and it’s actually nice not to have to work for the next five days and be able to process everything that’s happening.

  Opening my bedroom door, I’m not sure what to expect or if Rawley will be outside my door or what.

  He’s not and his door is closed. When I’m in Lyric’s room, getting him changed, I peek out the window to see the driveway and notice Rawley’s bike is gone.

  Part of me is relieved he’s gone, and then there’s the part that’s worried. What if he left for good this time? Swallowing over the anxiety surfacing, I focus on my baby boy laughing at me as he kicks his leg every time I attempt to get his baby-roll thighs into his sweat pants.

  “You silly boy.” Leaning in, I kiss his bare belly.

  He takes a handful of my hair when I do this, gripping tightly with his baby strength.

  I struggle to get loose from his grasp and then manage to finish getting him dressed.

  Downstairs, I set him on the floor in the living room and make my way into the kitchen for some much-needed coffee.

  Mia’s at the table drinking her coffee, with her planner next to her. She’s been trying to help with the wedding as much as she can because Lenny’s clueless and tried to order invitations three months ago and ordered 10,000 wedding invitations instead of 100. She’s since been cut off from any duties. This was Red’s request since he’s the one paying for the wedding and Nova has more coloring paper than she knows what to do with now.

  “Hey, sweetie,” she says the moment she notices me walk into the kitchen.

  “Morning.” My heart begins to pound when I walk over to the coffee pot and notice an empty cup in the sink.

  He must have at least had coffee, right?

  “Is Rawley here?” I don’t look over at her. Instead, I stare out the kitchen window at the backyard where the wedding will be held three days from now. They have about an acre of land here, and it’s perfect for a wedding with all the flowers and leaves. It’s absolutely beautiful.

  “He left this morning. He’s helping Red and Tyler today, but he’ll be back tonight.”

  I nod, but I don’t say anything as I pour creamer into my coffee. I’m strangely relieved he’s not here this morning giving me more time to process everything.

  “He wasn’t very talkative, looked almost sad… but wouldn’t say why. Did something happen at your dinner?”

  Turning around, I lean against the counter and hold my coffee in my hand. When I don’t say anything, she motions for me to sit down, knowing I’m nearing tears and any second the dam is going to break and I’ll burst into tears.

  Taking a seat at the table across from her, I tell her about the papers I received and what Rawley said to me. “I just don’t know what to think. I
don’t think he’d do this, but then again, I don’t know him anymore. He’s been gone eighteen months and… I just don’t know.”

  She doesn’t reach across the table to hold my hand or tell me everything’s going to be okay. Instead, she’s intently focused on me, a scowl on her face. She’s not mad at me, I can tell that much, but she’s almost… offended? “Rawley wouldn’t do this,” she confirms easily with a shake of her head, like she’d never considered the idea he would. “He wouldn’t.”

  My tears fall freely. “How can you say that? You don’t know the half of what Rawley’s done to me.”

  “I know. I probably don’t,” she tells me, always the one trying to calm everything and ease the pain. But I need someone to feel this. After all these years, I need someone to feel what I do so I don’t have to burn alone. “He’s still my son, Sophie. I know him.”

  I want to believe her and a small part of me already does, already wants to after what I saw at my bedroom door.

  “I guess we’ll see what happens,” I finally say, moving from the table to the counter where I begin to prepare Lyric’s breakfast. I want her to be right. More than anything I need her to be right about him this time.

  MIA OFFERS TO watch Lyric for me when Raven and Lenny show up at the house to pick me up for the final dress fitting. Nova comes into the living room where I’m putting on my shoes with Raven beside me. She’s telling me about her morning and I don’t want to hear it. Mostly because she’s telling me about sex with Tyler, and I haven’t had sex in eighteen months and frankly, I’m jealous of her V.

  “Where’s Uncle?” Nova asks, staring out the window to where Rawley’s street bike has been parked the last couple of days.

  Raven snorts. “Probably off somewhere doing bad things to good people.”

  I laugh, though I don’t mean to. In some ways, she’s right.

  Nova shrugs. “Is he coming back?”

  We both stare at each other before Mia comes to the rescue. “Yes, Nova. He’ll be back tonight. He’s helping Daddy today.”

  “Okay, well, I’m covered in puke and maybe even poop.” Lenny comes into the room, staring at her black shirt. “Let’s go do this final dress fitting so I can change.”

  Raven makes a disgusted face and points to her hair. “You got some in your hair too.”

  Lenny glances at her hair. “Eh, I’ll shower later. I don’t have time today.”

  “What do you mean today? Wouldn’t you have time tonight?” Raven’s eyes are wide.

  We’re out the door by Red’s Nova, which Lenny borrowed today, when Lenny points at her. “I have two kids now. I shower when they take baths.” She glances at me. “And by shower I mean they soak me with water.”

  “But you don’t shower every morning before they get up?” Raven gets in the front seat while I squeeze between a booster seat and Chevy’s car seat.

  “I do. I think….” Lenny quirks her head to the side. “I usually shower in the mornings with Red before the kids are up but that means he’s up.” Lenny puts a lot of emphasis into the words, “he’s up.”

  I burst out laughing, my hand slapping over my mouth understanding the meaning, but Raven’s still stuck on the fact that she thinks Lenny only takes a shower once a week.

  I’m not sure if I’m thankful for the conversation twist or not, but Raven takes her coffee from the dashboard and holds it up. “The girls at the coffee shop this morning gave me a run-down of my brother’s rather public blow up last night. Dish the details, woman.”

  Groaning, I flop back into the seat. Of course Jesse would have told everyone. Her older brother’s a waiter at Valentino’s.

  On the way to the dress shop, I tell them everything that happened between getting served the papers at my car after work, and the restaurant, and then him at my door in the middle of the night.

  “That’s crap,” Raven says as we’re entering the dress shop. “He wouldn’t do this.”

  My eyes water as I take a seat where we’re waiting for Val to bring out the dresses for us. “Do you really think so?”

  Raven raises her hand. “I know him better than anyone, sorry, Sophie. I was literally his roommate for nine months, and he used my brain. I’m sure of it. I once broke my arm and he cried for me. That’s how connected we are. I don’t believe this for one minute. He would never sign away his parental rights.”

  A sob builds its way to my chest. I want to believe he wouldn’t do this. I do, but there’s part of me that thinks maybe he would, the part holding onto the Rawley he once was. The one obscured by my reality and made me wish every word he spoke could be erased. “I just don’t know. I keep going back to the night he left and the way he practically forced himself on me.”

  They both stop and stare at me, and my eyes go wide. I’ve never felt so stupid in all my life, and I want to take back the words. I can’t. They’re out.

  “No way.” Raven’s eyes are so wide, her face pale. “He didn’t, did he?”

  No. He didn’t.

  “I don’t mean it like that, Raven,” I murmur hoarsely, having a difficult time getting the words out. “I shouldn’t have said that. I’m upset, and I’m tired of everyone defending him when he does something wrong. I didn’t say no that night. At all. I could have, but I let him do what he wanted. It was a crazy night and everything came to a head at my apartment, and I honestly thought if I let him, he’d finally leave me alone when he saw what it did to me. And he did. Only I got pregnant because he didn’t use a condom. But in a consensual sense, I was a willing participate because I wanted him that night. I did. I was hoping he’d snap out of it.”

  Raven searches my face and then glances at Lenny who hasn’t said a word. She’s looking at me as if she’s trying to understand what I’m saying. “Sophie, I don’t understand what you’re saying. First you say he forced himself on you, but then you say you’re a willing participate. It can’t be both.”

  I feel like the size of a grain of salt.

  “The situation got out of hand.” My hands fidget with the sleeve of my jacket. I don’t know if anything I’m saying, or about to say is making any sense. I should shut up.

  “Everything had just gone down at your mom’s and when he got to my apartment, he was worse, high, and I honestly thought he was going to pass out or argue and leave. Once he was in the apartment he wanted more and there was a small part of me that thought if I gave it, maybe he’d either leave or see what we had, still. But he left afterwards.”

  Lenny shakes her head, moving from her place across from me to sit beside me. “Raven, do you honestly believe he’d intentionally hurt you now though? Even after finding out about Lyric? I mean—” She swallows and waits for our eyes to meet. “Red said Rawley’s different now. They talked a lot the other day, and Red actually said he felt like he was growing up a little. I mean, he’s helping Red and Tyler today pick up tables and chairs in Portland.”

  Now I feel like shit. He really isn’t running. He’s trying to make things right with his family. But I have to wonder if I’m part of his family. I’m living in his mother’s home, in his sister’s old room, raising his son, but is it ever going to feel like I’m part of his family?

  “You know, one of the last things he said to me that night was, do you hate me now?” My chin shakes, tears slowly streaming down my face. I sniff, wishing I had the answers. “That’s exactly why he did it that night. He wanted me to hate him because he knew that was the only way he was going to leave me alone. He knew if I didn’t, he’d come by again wanting more from me.”

  Raven grabs my hand. “I’m sorry that you had to go through that, Sophie, I am, but we both know he wasn’t himself that night, and I’m not going to defend him here. I’m not. But you know as well as I do, it would kill him if we thought he wouldn’t have stopped himself, had you asked him to that night.”

  I nod. “I know. He would have. I’m just frustrated because just when I think I know where we stand, and I’m hopeful for a future, shit like thi
s happens and I doubt his intentions when deep down, I don’t want to this time.”

  “Your gut knows what’s up,” Raven says, winking at me. “Trust the bitch.”

  My gut tells me he wants Lyric in his life despite those papers. The boy in the grocery store and the one with hopeful eyes waiting for me by the candlelit table, he still loves me and wants a future.

  They’re both comforting me when Val brings out the dresses. It’s when I see Lenny’s long white gown being handed to her that I finally snap out of my pity party.

  “Seriously, enough about me.” I wave to Lenny’s dress in her hands. “This is your day, your week, and somehow it’s been stolen by Rawley and me. Now go try on that dress.”

  With a heavy sigh, Lenny stares at the dress. She’s not use to being fussed over and honestly, I think she’s enjoying having to comfort me and be a shoulder to cry on because the reality for her is, she’s getting married again.

  For both her and Red, it’s their second marriage and I think, no, I know they’re both scared of what it means.

  Lenny nervously stares down at her dress. “I’m never going to be his first kiss, or date, or even love, but is it worth something to be his last?”

  “It is, honey. It totally is.” Raven smiles tearfully at her, as do I. “You’re his happy ending.”

  I laugh and attempt to bring some humor into the moment for Lenny’s sake. “And we know he likes getting his end in you by the sounds of your morning showers.”

  It’s taken me a long time, but I don’t want to be this way, that hostile side where I dismissed everything and anyone around me and believed my reality was right.

  My guilt, my blame, it’s not right, and it shrouds my every step now.

  I didn’t see her at all on Wednesday. By the time I got back to the house, she was asleep.